


Sharing Outsight

by DAsObiQuiet



Series: Force of Many Sights [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Addressing issues, Anakin has PTSD, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Regulation Disorder, Emotional Therapy, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Healing, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental therapy, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Psychology, Psychotherapy, Therapy, Time Travel, psychological healing, slave mentality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-04-27 10:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14423157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DAsObiQuiet/pseuds/DAsObiQuiet
Summary: Time Travel tends to have a lot of unexpected repercussions, such as unblockable Force Bonds. And that doesn't even begin to tap into the mental and emotional mess it creates.Rated T for hints of torture and mental health issues.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> AN: This is a sequel to "Dangers of Foresight". If you haven't read that at least, this probably won't make sense.
> 
> Also, there may be some triggers for the following: Torture, abuse, PTSD.

 

Two weeks. That's all it had taken. It wasn't the first time Siri had woken up with that strange anxiety that threatened to send her whirling back into her past (future?), but it was one of the first times she recognized it as leaking over from someone else. It was definitely the first time it had happened since she'd been released from the Healers' wing.

"Kriff it, Anakin," she practically spat as she threw the blankets off and stalked over to her closet. She grabbed her comm, her lightsaber and a long, brown robe, which she threw over her sleep shirt, before she took the few steps to the door of her room. Not wanting her master involved in this, she willed her door open slowly, with the Force instead of its power cells, before moving swiftly and almost silently into the common room of their shared quarters.

She had to deactivate the alert her Master had put on the door when she'd been brought back from the Healers' wing, but it wasn't difficult. It had been put there in case she didn't  _know_  she was leaving the apartment. Right now, she most definitely knew, even if it was – she checked her chrono – after two in the morning. She suppressed a groan as she stepped into the hall, massaging the bridge of her nose as she stalked along the nearly empty floors.

In a few minutes, she'd raced through the Temple to the initiate's wing. It consisted of a couple of hallways stacked on top of each other, each lined with small rooms for every child over the age of eight as well as their current caretaker, a sleeping hall for all children of younger ages belonging to that clan, and a couple of common rooms with desks for studying and play areas. Each clan had one such area on that floor to themselves. She headed for the Thranta Clan hall and, without any fanfare, palmed the door to the common area open.

Just as she'd expected, a small figure stood facing the windows looking over Coruscant as the lights from the city illuminated his silhouette. At ten years old, he stood firmly, with his feet apart and one hand holding the other behind his back. She could sense the darkness swirling around him and had to grit her teeth against yet another memory of the future-past.

_Children screaming, crying, frozen in fear as a lightsaber came down towards each of them, snuffing them out—_

"Anakin," she hissed as she stalked over to him, forcefully wrenching her mind to the here and now.

"You can feel it, can't you," he said softly. It wasn't a tone she expected from him. Truthfully, she'd been half ready to have him attack her right now. That, and the fact that he just stood there – that he wasn't pacing or running around or attacking anything – caused her to pause.

"Yes," she responded, still a little short.

"You have my apologies. I thought I had successfully contained it. The problem must be our bond."

About then, Siri finally realized that the darkness wasn't coming  _from_  him but _through_  him. That didn't negate the fact that she still had to fight to stay in the current moment instead of losing herself to the past again, but it did calm her down immensely.

"What's going on, Anakin?"

She saw him take a deep breath, as if he'd been trying to keep his mind from whatever was causing this, and almost regretted asking. Then he let his breath out and slumped ever so slightly.

"He's doing it again."

Siri blinked. "Who's 'he' and what is he doing?"

Anakin hesitated before answering and she saw him swallow as she came up next to him. His eyes remained fixed on the city before them.

"You know how all of those negative emotions build exponentially? How they give power, but can also take control if not released?  _He_  is releasing tonight."

Siri blinked.

Oh.

_Oh._

She squatted next to him, carefully reaching out to put a hand on his arm. It seemed like he needed grounding in the here and now just as much as she did.

"What is he doing, Anakin?"

Anakin didn't move, but she did feel him lean towards her with his own Force presence.

"I don't know exactly. Torture? Experiments? Training? Any combination thereof?"

"Can't you cut it off? Your connection to him?"

The boy shook his head minutely. "No more than I can cut off yours, it seems."

"How often does he do this?" she asked softly, her stomach clenching, definitely not wanting to hear the answer but knowing she had to ask.

"If I'm lucky, once a month or so."

He'd already been here for several months now. Somehow, she got the impression that it happened more than once a month. Had Anakin forced himself to weather this alone? Who was she kidding? Of  _course_  he had. It was just so like him.

"Oh, Anakin, why didn't you tell us? Or come to us?"

To her surprise, he snorted bitterly. "And by 'us', who exactly are you referring to? Who would I have gone to? Obi-wan? You? Yoda?" Alright before now, she hadn't really been a plausible option, what with her being in the Healers' wing (and not that keen on his presence initially). And both Obi-wan and Yoda had some nasty baggage when it came to Anakin.

"What about Master Xio?" she responded.

The former Sith frowned ever so slightly; the only sign he'd heard what she said. She really wished he'd stop standing there, staring out the window like a statue. It wasn't like the Anakin she remembered. It was more like...

She quickly shut that thought down as she waited for his answer.

"I... will admit that she didn't cross my mind. I do not think I would have felt comfortable doing so the last time this happened."

"But now?"

"I will... consider it."

She nodded and squeezed his arm. "Good."

After a minute of awkward silence, she used the Force to pull over a small couch. "For now, you have me here. Let me help you." After all, it wasn't like she'd be able to get back to sleep like this.

"How?" he asked, still not moving. "You cannot stop the bond any more than I can." He winced at something and then closed his eyes, jaw setting firmly.

"Tell me about your racing."

For the first time, Anakin changed position, turning his head to blink at her in confusion.

"What?"

"Tell me about your racing. Or something else you love to do. Mechanics. Padmé. Luke. Whatever. Talk to me, Anakin."

He still looked utterly confused. "That... will not make this vanish."

"No, but it will remind you why you fight it and it will make for a good distraction. Come on," she patted the couch in front of her.

For a moment, she almost thought he would cry, he looked so grateful, but the expression was gone in an instant. She had the good grace to not mention it.

Stiffly, he slowly lowered himself to the couch before turning to look at her. "What I love about racing... well..."

xXx

They sat there for almost three hours before Anakin slumped with a sigh. "It is finished."

Siri felt it too and also couldn't help but slump, feeling as if she'd just run a marathon. If she was this exhausted, she wasn't sure she wanted to know how taxing it had been to Anakin.

"I'll speak to your crèche master today, excuse you from classes."

He shook his head. "That won't be necessary."

"Anakin, you're exhausted."

"I have endured in the past—"

She cut him off. "But you don't  _have_  to, Anakin. It's okay to feel under the weather. And ten years old or not, you need to take care of yourself."

He didn't answer, but she still felt distinct discomfort from him.

"Why won't you take a day off?" she asked earnestly.

It took him several seconds to answer. "I am... unused... to doing so."

"I'm guessing Palpatine didn't let Vader take sick days."

Anakin winced and looked away. "No."

"I'm betting Padmé made you take sick days."

He closed his eyes again, expression so bittersweet Siri wondered if it had been worth the low blow.

"She... encouraged me to do so, yes."

"Then can you please rest, Anakin? When you wake, you can go to the remainder of your classes or you can come find me and we can start on that lightsaber training. Healthy people take care of themselves when they can. Right now, you can..."

The boy eyed her for several seconds. "This... really bothers you, doesn't it."

She nodded.

After a few more seconds of silence, he sighed. "Very well. On the condition that you give Obi-wan the same lecture the next time he deigns to show his face at the Temple."

Siri couldn't help the bright smile that came over her lips.

"I might need your backup."

"You have it," he replied with a wave of his hand as he rose.

"I'll put the couch back," she said as she followed his example and stretched.

"You know, you should probably get into the habit of wearing more when you come to find me," he said, eyeing her robe and sleep shirt with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. Self-consciously, she closed her robe, but brushed it off as best she could.

"As if I care," she said, ignoring the embarrassment she could feel in her cheeks. "I've dressed in worse before."

He didn't call her on that. He didn't have to.

"Thank you, Siri," he said softly before he turned to head back to his quarters. She smiled after him before she walked to the Thranta Clan's crèche Master's quarters to speak with them about letting Anakin rest for the day. They should be getting up about now anyway.

xXx

The next time she felt a touch of darkness happened to be the next day during mid-meal break. This time she walked calmly through the Temple in her normal Jedi attire heading for the lightsaber training halls. She was ready for more than one confrontation with him. She doubted he'd been up for very long and sleep wasn't the only thing a youngling needed. If he hadn't eaten yet, he was going to regret it.

Of course, that was something to address after the darkness.

She walked into the salls and found him about four doors down in an isolated room, bouncing off of the walls like some sort of gizkal. That wasn't even his normal style. She grit her teeth. He  _knows_  he should be working on his usual style!

Without bothering to knock, she stepped into the room and waited for him to stop. He turned his gaze on her as he practically flew by. Then, when he reached the wall, he bounced off of it and shot towards her. She already had her lightsaber out to catch his.

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong, or do I have to beat it out of you?"

"You can try."

"Good answer," she responded with a wicked grin, and they were off. She ended up winning fairly easily and she could feel his frustration, even if she couldn't see it on his face. His mask was good.

"You're using form IV. Why?" she asked as she caught her breath.

"I wanted a workout." Satisfyingly, his breath was far more ragged.

" _Why_?"

He grit his teeth. "To keep my mind off of... things."

She paused for a moment, nodding. "Good idea, bad execution. You really need to keep to your form V until you can beat me."

"I have."

"Once."

"How does that not count?"

"Then let me add: Until you can beat me  _consistently_."

He frowned at her stubbornly, but didn't dispute her point.

Sighing, she deactivated her lightsaber. "Anakin, if you don't tell me what's wrong, please consider telling Master Xio today."

The mask cracked ever so slightly with a slight furrowing of his brow. Then he sighed and deactivated his own lightsaber. "I... watched the news. They found... bodies."

Siri's own brow furrowed in puzzlement. "Anakin, this is Coruscant. It's rare when they  _don't_  find bodies. It might be different if the local law enforcement would let us help, but you know how they hate Jedi interfering."

He shook his head. "This is different, if only due to the sheer gruesomeness. The... the pain they must have gone through. And there were very few physical incisions. It is as if they... spontaneously combusted from the inside."

Oh. So he means they found Sidious' victims. So soon? The man was either getting careless or he wanted them found. A warning, perhaps? Received and acknowledged then. That son of a bantha.

"Can..." she started, but decided to rephrase the question. "Is there a technique that results in spontaneous combustion?" She was almost afraid to ask. That was a fairly common reaction when it came to Anakin Skywalker, apparently.

Anakin closed his eyes and looked away. "A couple. As you can imagine, none of them are... pleasant for the victim."

Siri had to sit down. Her stomach demanded it. "I see. Well, that would be... difficult for anyone to see." Although she'd expected a stronger stomach from Anakin.

Actually, now that she thought about it...

"So, what's the real problem?" she asked.

Anakin stared at her for several seconds. She met his scrutinizing gaze as coolly as she could. It worked because finally, he shook his head.

"I could have stopped him."

Well, Siri had to admit, she wasn't expecting that.

"What makes you think that?"

"There is always a way."

"But you would have had to confront him."

He didn't look at her, his jaw set firmly. "Not necessarily. We could have set up a distraction."

"And just who would you have taken with you to set as a distraction?"

"You? Yoda?"

"And you would be alright with potentially exposing the fact that Yoda, and thus the Jedi in general, know about him? And I'm still recovering. I wasn't exactly in the most focused state of mind last night, as you well know, not to mention I don't have the lightsaber skills to protect myself from him if something went wrong. Now, I'm all for doing the right thing and protecting or helping people – even at the cost of my life – but I can't trust myself or my judgment right now. Especially during times like that." Ugh, how she hated admitting that aloud. "Not to mention it's not exactly unlikely you would have exposed yourself."

"So?!" Anakin practically spat.

Siri was taken back slightly by the heat in his voice. So when she spoke, she made sure her own tones were quiet but firm. "So? You know very well that you cannot barge in there without a plan. We could lose you to him again. Or he could kill you and everyone who went with you. Or he could turn it against you simply because he would know your identity. And that's  _if_ you happen to know where to go. Do you?"

Anakin shook his head in frustration and sank to the ground next to her. "I should be able to stop him."

The older Jedi scrutinized the younger for several seconds, frowning. She sensed there was something deeper here and it took her a few minutes to find it.

"Anakin," she said slowly, "you are not enabling him by not stopping him. I'm sorry that people had to die in horrible, painful ways. I hate it too. I really do. But there are very good reasons why you need to remain here and not let him know how closely connected you are."

"I know," Anakin responded, his voice barely a whisper. "But it doesn't feel right."

Siri sighed. "No... it doesn't. But I am... proud of you for feeling that. Painful as it is, it's a good step for you."

He'd drawn his knees up, hugging them to his chest and burying his head in them. "I never stopped feeling it. Not completely."

At that, Siri smirked. "Then Luke was right, wasn't he?"

Anakin glanced over at her, brow furrowed slightly in a silent question.

"There was always good in you."

His forehead smoothed out and he stared blankly at her while she smiled softly at him. She could swear she saw the corner of his lips twitch into the ghost of a smile.

"I... still think you should talk to Xio about this," Siri said softly. Somehow, Anakin seemed to slump further.

"Perhaps you are... right."

There was something in how he said it, how he hesitated, that tipped Siri off and she frowned again.

"There's something else, isn't there."

The arms around his knees tightened. "It's silly."

"Somehow I doubt that."

He shook his head. "There's nothing I can do about it."

"Anakin... you don't have to tell me, but you do need to tell someone."

Silence. She wanted to sigh, but she didn't. Instead she waited, either for his decision and dismissal, or for his voice.

"I... just... ha- don't like that he's – that we're  _connected_  still."

"You can say 'hate' in that case," she replied.

He relaxed ever so slightly. She chalked his lack of control up to his physical age.

"I hate it," he says softly. "I despise it. I... don't want anything to do with that man anymore."

She frowned. Hadn't he volunteered to be his 'gopher' for the Ambassador program? Then again, she had heard that Palpatine himself hadn't taken any of the younglings as an aid.

"I can't say I blame you there," she responded, leaning her head back against the wall, suddenly feeling tired herself. "The sooner we can make a case against him, the better."

Anakin snorted. The action seemed both forced and genuine simultaneously (and only Anakin or Obi-wan would be able to pull  _that_  off). Still, Siri figured that the issue hadn't been really addressed. So she thought back on what he'd said. Wait, was he feeling... guilty?

Siri withheld a groan. "Anakin it's completely understandable that you share a bond with him. You share one with me, due to the fact that we time-traveled together, most likely. You share one with Obi-wan and Ahsoka – don't deny it, I saw you in the crèche with her age group the other day."

"Yoda made me," he muttered, not looking up.

"Right," she replied with a raised eyebrow and a teasing smile. "It's logical to assume that if one bond from the future is still there, they all are."

His arms had tightened again. He looked so small, sitting there against the wall in something similar to a fetal position, stalk still, as if any movement would suddenly give him away. It suddenly hit Siri that while Anakin had made some incredible progress, they still had a  _long_  way to go before he was even remotely healthy.

She wondered briefly what that said about her own state of mind, but dismissed that thought for now. Right now, the person her Obi-wan had asked her to watch over needed her help. So help she would.

So she finally voiced her thoughts. "You feel guilty about it, don't you. About the bond you have with him."

"It's different," he muttered, sounding suddenly young again. Young and small and lost.

"How?" she asked gently. Sometimes it amazed her how her own attitude towards him had changed so much in just a few months. Before she'd merged with her younger self, she doubted she could have been this – hopeful? Open, maybe? – towards Anakin.

He lifted his head to look at her, and the boy was gone, replaced by a pained, 40-year-old man. She wondered how he could handle the emotional whiplash... then realized, he really couldn't.

"My... bond," he practically spat the word, "with him is... different."

"How so?"

His mouth thinned into a hard line, but he took a deep breath and went on. "It is born of darkness, made of darkness, held with darkness – everything about it reeks of darkness." For a moment, she wondered when he'd decided to wax poetic before dismissing the thought. His words definitely got the point across.

Still, he added another thought on, as if it were a death sentence.

"It's very existence is a reminder that the darkness within me is still there. That it always will be."

 _That part of me is still Darth Vader_. Siri frowned and glanced around. She was sure she'd heard that, but Anakin's mouth had remained in that thin line.

After a moment, she chalked it up to their bond (stupid, unpredictable thing) before contemplating her next words very carefully. She could tell him that of course the darkness was still there. Did he really think it would just leave after two decades of immersing himself in it simply because he wanted it to? There was a reason that the teachings said the darkness would forever dominate one's destiny (although she thought that 'dominate' should be changed to 'affect' personally). But she sensed that he wouldn't really take that well right now – and that he very likely had already come to that conclusion himself, as frustrated as he was with it. She'd already pointed out that he still had all of his other bonds, and – no matter how different – it really wasn't unreasonable to think that he'd still have his darker bonds too. Maybe she should have worded that one differently. Well, what was done was done.

She thought about the advice she could give, or something she could point out that would help to put things into perspective for him and bring him out of his guilt, but nothing came to mind. This was why she wasn't a mind-Healer, kriff it! She really had no idea what to say.

So she cleared her mind as best she could, and went over the conversation they'd had for the last few minutes.

He wasn't looking for advice, she realized. What he needed, right now, was that support Master Xio had talked about. Part of her still wanted to cringe away, but the rest of her shoved that to the side. Her attitude  _had_  changed towards him and she would prove it by helping him as best she could.

"Just because that bond is there doesn't mean you're still dark," she said softly.

"Yes, it does," he responded. "How could it not?"

"Because if you were still dark, you couldn't use or feel your bonds with me or Obi-wan or Ahsoka."

She took his silence as a good thing. It felt like he was listening.

Slowly, hesitantly, she reached over and laid a hand on his back. He flinched away, and she withdrew it immediately.

"Sorry."

"N-no, it's... it's... okay. I... um... don't mind." And the 10-year-old was back. Forget giving him emotional whiplash, this whole thing would give it to  _her._

He went back to his former position. She wasn't sure whether she should actually put her hand on his shoulder or back again. He seemed like he wanted touch, but his reactoin had scared her just as much as she had scared him. Was she doing the right thing?

Kriff it. She was just as emotionally stunted in this area as he was. She'd just ask.

"Do you... want me to touch you? I was going to... rub your back or something." It had been something her Master had done to her when she'd been particularly stressed as a new Padawan.

"If you... want."

Carefully, she reached out and rested a hand on his shoulder, and then slowly began to move her hand in circles on his upper back. He still felt stiff under her fingers, but was slowly relaxing.

"Everyone feels the dark side at some point, Anakin," she practically whispered.

He stiffened even more for a second before he sighed and all of the tension seemed to drain out of him, leaving an exhausted lump behind.

"I know."

"That doesn't make you dark."

"I know." And yet, he still sounded like he didn't believe it.

"It's... okay to not like your past choices," she said, hoping that he'd read 'dark' into that.

He shook his head. "Not just 'dislike'. I  _hate_  them. I hate that I was stupid enough to make them. That I was stubborn enough to stand by them. That I hurt others so badly. I... I deserved the pain I got."

Siri bit her lip. She wanted to yell out that that wasn't true, but he needed to finish this. She could sense that at least.

"Do you know how Sith get power?"

She frowned at the non-sequitur. "Hate and anger, right?"

He nodded, his head still buried in his knees. "We... they find something they absolutely loathe and then constantly think about it, encourage the emotions and twist it. Then they link everything they come across back to those few things they loathe so much."

It worried her that he's said 'we', but she, again, kept her mouth shut.

"I was asked once, what I could possibly hate so much more than my opponent – another darksider after my position." She sensed there was more to that but didn't ask. It wasn't the point he was trying to portray. "I answered 'myself.'"

Siri's hand stopped moving in circles, but she didn't take it from his back.

"I hate myself, Siri. As much as the rest of the galaxy in the future despised me, it was nothing compared to how much I despised myself. Even now. I can't  _stop_  because I truly  _deserve_  that hatred. I hate the darkness. I hate that bond. I hate  _him._  But because I've linked it all back to how much I hate myself..." he trailed off.

She finally sensed it was her time to talk, despite the stirrings of darkness she could feel in the back of her mind again. "You're trying to change things, Anakin. For that you deserve forgiveness."

He shook his head. "That doesn't just erase what I've done. Time-travel or not."

Her hand started moving again, in slow, gentle circles. "I never said it did. I still forgive you."

He stiffened again and slowly turned to look over at her. "But I hurt people – I  _killed_  people. Entire races in some instances! I willingly  _chose_  to follow the dark!"

"And you're paying for those decisions now. Why should you get more punishment from me?" And in that instant, she realized it was true. She really and truly had forgiven him for all of his atrocities. That didn't mean she wouldn't still be shocked or hurt if they were brought up in the future (she couldn't get rid of decades of emotion that quickly any more than he could) but she honestly felt no anger at this moment towards this man – this boy.

"Especially," she added with a smile, "if I don't want to punish you."

"How can you do that?" he whispered, half in utter confusion, half in awe. "How... how can you  _want_  that?"

She shifted uncomfortably. She didn't deserve that kind of a reaction, did she? No... she was pretty sure she didn't. It was just how she felt, after all.

She shrugged. "Well, a lot of it has to do with how hard you're working to right things. It took me a while to really see it, but you genuinely want the future to be better and are willing to give up so much for it. I'm also realizing how alike you and I are."

He blinked. "What?"

She shook her head. "Anakin, I'm a Jedi. I've made some  _stupid_  decisions that have had monumental affects. Perhaps not galaxy-wide, but I think that's besides the point. I've still made stupid decisions that I've been stubborn about. Who is to say that in the right circumstances I could have ended up like you did, even. I know hate and love, just as you do. I know despair and joy and hope and pain, just as you do. Now maybe not to your extent, but it's there nonetheless.

"I... had to learn to accept myself and who I am despite all of that. I think your task is harder, but I also still think it's possible. Especially with how hard you've worked and how far you've come."

"It doesn't feel like I've come very far," he muttered, but she could tell he was putting up a token effort at best.

"Then can you take my word for it?"

He frowned, so she decided to explain.

"I wouldn't simply change my opinion about you. But I've seen your progress. I've seen a man who, despite his past, is doing everything in his power to change the future. I see a man who has done the impossible, defied everything the universe knew – on multiple occasions – and who genuinely cares about those around him."

"A lot of good that did me before."

"Except this time, you've got help. Look, Anakin, please – just take my word for it that you have made some incredible progress and you've come so far and that you do deserve forgiveness."

For several seconds they stayed in silence.

"I... I'll try," he muttered.

She didn't quote Yoda to him. Instead she smiled. "That's all I can ask."


	2. Chapter 2

Anakin sat across from Master Xio and smiled thinly. He felt better than he had the day before (mentally, he thanked whatever deity was listening for Siri and her rather changed view of him recently), but the whole thing had shaken him. Darth Sidious had sent a message, because anyone versed in dark-side practices would recognize what had been done to those victims. It was to let Anakin – well, Vader – know that he was getting impatient. A warning that should he continue on his current path, it wouldn't end well for Vader.

Despite his discussion with Siri, he still wanted to do something about it – still felt guilty over the whole thing. That old part of him that belonged to the Anakin Skywalker of the Clone Wars desperately hated sitting by and watching things happen – hated reacting. Funny that he was still feeling useless and like he had to prove himself as worthy of the Jedi's attention.

"How are you today, Anakin?" Xio's steady voice asked, drawing him out of his thoughts. He blinked and focused on her brown skin again. He remembered her telling him how she wanted him to be truthful when she asked that question, and not to simply dismiss it as a platitude. He'd gotten used to swallowing his pride lately, and prepared to do so now so as to answer the question truthfully. Funny, it somehow never seemed to get easier, no matter what Girth said.

"I'm... well, there's a lot going on."

She nodded. "I don't doubt it. However, that didn't answer my question."

He took a deep breath. "I'm..."  _Don't say fine. Don't say fine,_  he chanted in his head. "Alright."

Somehow, he didn't think that was any better. She knew it too, because she just stared at him with an eyebrow raised in challenge.

Anakin sighed. "Let me tell you what they found yesterday, and it might help." He spent the next several minutes telling her about the bodies the police force had found, about what must have been done to them (in vague terms) and about talking to Siri.

Finally he finished and Master Xio smiled sadly. "I know it's difficult for you, Anakin, but if you are having problems like that again, I want to reiterate that you can call me."

He shuffled uncomfortably. "It usually happens in the middle of the night." And she was a mind-healer who had a lot of difficult work the next day.

"I told you that you could call me at any time, Anakin. I meant it. If you get a hold of me, chances are I'm available."

Silence fell over the room as Anakin looked down, a little ashamed. "It's... just not something I'm used to... doing. It might take me awhile... to be comfortable with trying."

She nodded. "I understand more than you know, Anakin. If you aren't comfortable talking to me, but you are comfortable talking to Siri, and she's alright with it, then I don't see why you shouldn't speak with her. I just wanted to reiterate it. For future reference."

He returned her nod slowly. "I shall... keep that in mind."

"That's all I can ask," she returned with another smile. Then she glanced down at the data pad in her lap.

"Well, before we move onto what I had initially planned for today, I want to let you know that Siri is right. Following the plan we've laid out is the best option we have at the moment, and you are not enabling him."

The former Sith sighed. "So why do I feel like I am?"

She thought for a moment. "Well, there could be several reasons, but it very likely has a lot to do with your mentality – your need to prove that you are worthwhile. It also probably has something to do with the fact that you hate seeing other people in pain."

Anakin snorted. "You obviously never saw me as a Sith."

Master Xio's expression flattened slightly. "Anakin, you said yourself that the dark side twists the way you think."

"But it doesn't give you something you don't already have."

She shook her head. "Every heart has the power for darkness and hate. Every heart initially wants to see justice done to others and might even take pleasure in seeing it so. But from what you've described to me, even as a Sith you didn't prolong suffering unless you felt you needed to."

Well, he couldn't really refute that. He momentarily wondered why it stung so much to lose an argument that painted him in a better light.

"Also, from everything you told me, as a child and as a Jedi, you went out of your way to help people."

He shifted, a little uncomfortable, and again, wondered why. Then he remembered his words to Siri yesterday, about how much he hated himself and it made a lot more sense.

"I wanted to prove to everyone else that I was better than them – that I could save the unsavable, especially when they couldn't."

His mind-healer paused and cocked her head to the side. "Is that really the only reason, Anakin? Can you say that you never cared for the people you saved?"

He wanted to. He  _really_  wanted to... But he couldn't. Not if he were honest.

"No," he muttered.

"Well, then, we can conclude that you are very likely naturally dispositioned to care for people."

Great, he really was never meant to be a Jedi.

"I also think you have been conditioned – whether by others or by yourself – to think badly of yourself."

He frowned. "That makes little sense. Both as a Jedi and as a Sith, I was proud of my skills. Often too proud, as a Jedi especially."

She conceded the point with a nod. "Perhaps, but you have told me that you never felt like you measured up to expectations, either as a Jedi or as a Sith."

True.

"Besides," she continued, "you told me, and Siri yesterday, that you drew strength from your hatred, and that hatred was directed towards yourself. So you were encouraged to think poorly of yourself to gain more power, correct?"

It really was kind of scary how quickly she got concepts like that down. Swallowing, he nodded.

"So you were conditioned, for more than twenty years, to think poorly of yourself. It's only natural to fall back onto those habits. But hopefully, now that you're aware of it, you can change it."

It was a revelation he'd had before, but it still felt new. Perhaps because of the light she cast it in? The perspective she brought to it? He didn't know, but he realized, yet again, just what kind of damage his years on the dark side had done to him, mentally and emotionally. Even physically, if he counted what happened with his limbs and burning on Mustafar.

But, then again, how was he supposed to change all those years of thinking like that? All that self-hatred?

"I... don't know if I can," he whispered, unable to look up at her.

She stood and walked over to kneel in front of him. "Anakin, do you want to make the future better?"

He blinked but nodded.

"And do you want to become healthier?"

Again he nodded, beginning to see where this was going.

"Then there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you can change – that you  _will._  You have come so far already, learning to trust where you never thought you would, wanting to stop the destruction you've seen. I honestly hope that one day you can see and understand how absolutely incredible you are."

He still thought she was exaggerating at best... and yet...

"Luke... thought I was worth saving."

"He cared for you when you thought no one could," Master Xio replied with a nod, still kneeling before him.

"He loved me... even as the monster I had become. Even past what I had done to him and his friends – the universe in general. There was nothing in me worth redeeming and yet..."

They were both silent for several seconds before the Jedi Master stood. "Perhaps we are both beginning to see why Girth says love – true love – is the most powerful force in the universe."

Anakin thought about that, thought about everything that had happened in the last few days, and he couldn't help but agree. True love – caring – for another could move worlds.

The Sith really had no clue what they were talking about.

"So, in the future, I would like you to try and identify when you are unjustly being too harsh on yourself – encouraging your thoughts to be negative towards your person."

He snorted softly. "It never feels unjust."

"Then analyze it. Be as methodical and logical about it as you can be. If you recognize a feeling, try and figure out why you feel it. Isn't what Healer Girth has been teaching you?"

And it was kind of surprising that she seemed to actually agree with the other mind-healer.

"Yes," he replied.

"This won't be easy," she warned him as she retook her seat in the chair. "I don't expect you to catch every time, and I don't expect you to simply be able to change, but I would like you to attempt whenever you can."

He smiled a little.

She must not have expected that because she raised her eyebrow in question.

"You're the second Jedi in as many days who has told me to simply 'try'."

She blinked at him before leaning forward with a conspiratorial smile of her own. "Perhaps we won't mention this to Master Yoda."

Anakin managed to turn his laugh into a cough, but he knew he wasn't fooling anyone.

"I'm proud of Siri for telling you that," Master Xio continued, her tone softer, more genuine, and Anakin remembered that she'd begun to help Siri through her own therapy. "She's come a long way in her own healing."

"She has," Anakin replied, a little nostalgic.

Master Xio beamed at him. "Well, that's enough of that for today, I think." Anakin nodded in agreement. "Do you mind if we move on to my original plans?"

He shrugged, feeling tired but a little better about everything that had happened.

"Well," she said, reaching over and taking hold of her data pad, "I was planning on asking you a couple of questions about something I've suspected for a while. Would you mind? If it gets to be too much at any time, you can tell me and we will stop for the day."

In other words, this could potentially get... uncomfortable. Honestly, if he wasn't used to being uncomfortable now, he was certain he'd get there very quickly. But he could do it... Right? Whatever it was. He consciously tried to think positively of himself and was rather annoyed at how clumsy his mental voice sounded. Still, he wanted to get better. He really did. So he could do this. He was, after all, Anakin Skywalker.

"Very well."

She smiled again before looking back at her data pad.

"Alright. Now I know that you consider your life to have a couple of separate phases: Your slave childhood, your Jedi upbringing, your Sith adulthood and then your new timeline in the past." He nodded and so she went on. "When I ask you these questions, I would like you to think about the separate phases and see if they still apply for each. Do you understand?"

"Yes," he responded, still a little wary. She'd gone into what she called her 'analytical mode', where she was simply focused on the information and drawing connections. She'd explained this tendency to Anakin in their first meeting after he'd told them about his status as a time-traveler. It was still fascinating, and a little strange, to witness.

"Excellent. Thank you, Anakin. Now, I want you to know that we may have discussed these topics or similar ones in the past, but I'd like you to answer anyway." Again he nodded and she looked grateful. "Good. Now, firstly: During these periods of your life, did you experience mood swings and display uncertainty about how you saw yourself and your role in the world?"

Well, that wasn't as painful as Anakin thought it would be because, as she'd said, hadn't they just discussed how angry he could be? Perhaps she was just being overly cautious. He thought about it for a moment before answering.

"As a child? I... don't believe so, no. As a Jedi... um..." he thought about the missions he and Obi-wan went on, and the Clone Wars and... he couldn't answer that any other way. "Yes. Very much so. As a Sith? It was kind of expected, what with the dark side and all. Now? I do find it a little difficult to keep my emotions in check."

"I wasn't asking about keeping them in check. We're looking more for extreme mood swings."

He thought of the roller-coaster he felt he'd been on in the last few months and sighed. "I have experienced some recently, yes. It isn't as prevalent as it used to be, but it is still there."

"Were there triggers? Or would these mood swings just happen?

Anakin thought back on that. "Recently, there have been more triggers. My strange bonds, Sidious and anything to do with him... but as a Sith and a Jedi? Even I couldn't predict my mood swings." Which was terribly embarrassing, now that he thought about it. Fortunately, Xio didn't seem to judge him for it. Not that he expected her to. She just jotted down a couple of notes before moving on. Her ability to streamline when she was like this fascinated and impressed him.

"Did your interests and values change quickly?"

"Interests? No, not much. I mean, it's always been about mechanics and racing and keeping the people close to me safe. Values? I... think that's self explanatory."

"I'd still like to hear it from you," she pressed.

He inwardly sighed but he answered calmly. "Let's just say that my fall wasn't exactly as surprising as I initially believed. My values may not have changed often, but they did change. Especially during the course of the Clone Wars."

Xio nodded again, made some more notes and moved on, absently sliding the silver braid that had crept over her shoulder to trail down her back again.

"During these periods, did you tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad?"

Anakin snorted. "Yes. Perhaps not so much as a Sith, but even then I had deluded myself into thinking I was doing the right thing. Surprisingly, as a Sith, I had quite the distinction between 'good' and 'bad' in my mind."

"I see," Master Xio replied, repeating her actions before looking up again. "What about your opinions of other people? Did they change? Sometimes quickly? Was one person seen as a friend one day, and the next an enemy or traitor for little or no reason? Visa versa perhaps?"

Anakin thought of the different Jedi he fought along side during the clone wars. That didn't even include people like Hondo and the Fetts. Asajj Ventress, even. He hadn't known who he could count on or who he could trust half of the time because it changed so often. Was that a problem? Well, he supposed he could see how that could be. He'd seen how his perception changed like that before, but he'd dismissed it because it had been a war. But even before then... And as for Vader...

"As a child, no. As a Jedi, yes... even outside the war. As a Sith... not so much, simply because I didn't really see anyone as trustworthy. However, those who did... question me were dealt with quickly and efficiently, despite any record they might have. There were few exceptions."

She nodded again, made some more notes and went on, causing Anakin to wonder exactly where she was going with all of this.

"Did you make efforts to avoid abandonment, real or imagined, by rapidly initiating intimate (whether physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned?"

He actually winced at that. He'd cut off all contact with Ahsoka after she'd left the Jedi. Tru Veld and Ferus Olin (although a lot of that had been because Ferus had left the Order as well, but he couldn't see himself keeping in contact with the boy after what had happened). And rapidly initiating intimate relationships? Emotionally with Obi-wan. Physically and emotionally with Padmé. And he'd been so against Ahsoka to begin with, but then he'd seen something in her and they were practically inseparable from then until she left.

As for Vader? He simply didn't allow himself to have relationships, knowing that it was all futile in the end.

"I... can't remember as a child, but as a Jedi and a Sith... yes. Most definitely."

"Recently?"

He paused. "I have been... actively working against that mind set." Because he still needed allies. More than ever. "However, the idea of keeping myself distant is still... most comfortable."

She nodded sadly, as if he'd confirmed some things.

"Moving on, can you tell me about your relationships in general? Especially with people you considered family and friends. Were they intense or unstable? Would you find yourself swinging from extreme closeness and love – idealization even – to extreme dislike or anger and devaluation?"

Anakin couldn't help but outright cringe. "Yes, as a Jedi and as a Sith, although usually only when the dark side was involved somehow." Like Mustafar. Where he'd gone from completely idealizing his father/brother figure and his wife to actively trying to kill them out of pure hatred. Or the Jedi Temple. The Younglings...

At this, Master Xio paused and studied him for several seconds, scrutinizing. "Really?"

The former Sith nodded slowly.

"It's not that I don't trust you, it's just that that validates a theory I've been working on."

That took Anakin back. "A theory?"

She nodded. "I'll be happy to discuss it with you when I have it more finalized."

That sparked his interest. "I'll look forward to it."

The older Jedi grinned at him, snapping out of her strange mode before snapping right back into it as she glanced back at the data pad. "Do you remember having a distorted or unstable self-image or sense of self?"

He couldn't help but remember all of the times he'd absolutely hated himself verses every time he couldn't see any other Jedi as anywhere near as good as he was (or Sith for that matter). And then his recent realizations on mind-sets and slave mentalities...

"If... what I suspect is true, I don't believe I've ever had a stable self-image," he admitted, feeling heat rise to his cheeks that he hoped Master Xio didn't notice.

If she did, she didn't say anything. She just simply continued on, thankfully.

"What about your behaviors in general? Were they dangerous? Unnecessarily so at times? I have examples of spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving and binge eating, but other things could apply. I mean, you lived through a war. Particularly dangerous maneuvers or gambits, regardless of the potential outcome?"

Alright, these were starting to get a bit uncomfortable. And almost all of his actions during the war (and during his padawan days now that he thought about it) had had a sense of danger to them. The Emperor had more or less stomped those tendencies out, but they'd still been there initially.

Even now with his racing... If he were being honest with himself, it wasn't all for the money. He coughed and nodded. "Um... yes... through my entire life."

She blinked. "Even now?"

He kept silent and didn't meet her eyes.

She frowned, obviously disapproving. He didn't see it, but he could practically feel it.

"Hmm," was all she said, though, before she asked her next question (somehow he felt like he'd just prolonged the inevitable).

"What about self-harming behavior, such as cutting?"

Finally, something he could answer 'no' to. He'd been too valuable as a servant/slave to do anything of the sort.

Somehow, that still didn't strike him as the healthiest of mentalities.

"No."

She smiled at him, relieved for a moment, before something seemed to occur to her.

"Just to be clear, it doesn't have to be physical behavior. There are several forms of self-harm – emotional and mental – and those count too."

Anakin's conversation with Siri the day before came up and he had to fight from shrinking back.

"Does... self hatred count?"

Master Xio closed her eyes slowly, as if just having an awful suspicion confirmed. Then she took a deep breath and opened her eyes. "It isn't uncommon or unhealthy for people to be upset at themselves for past actions. That is, after all, how we learn. When it is taken to an extreme, though, and you can come up with nothing but loathing for yourself despite your actions, then yes, it does count."

Anakin looked away. "Then I'll have to change my answer to 'yes'."

She took another deep breath, but said nothing as she once again tapped on the data pad.

"Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats?"

That one took him a minute to go over. "As a child or a Jedi, no. As a Sith? Yes." But again, he'd been too valuable as a tool to really consider it. Just how deep did that... mentality run?

"And... now?" Xio asked hesitantly.

Anakin took a deep breath. "I would be lying if I said the thought hadn't crossed my mind. However, I would not say such thoughts were reoccurring, especially as of late."

And wasn't it a relief to say that too?

"What about intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days?"

"As a child? No." And there stopped his streak of answering in the negative. "As a Jedi, yes. As a Sith? Most definitely. Again, it doesn't seem quite so bad or intense now, but it has... happened." Sometimes with triggers, sometimes without.

"Chronic feelings of emptiness?"

"As a child? No. As a Jedi? Yes, but not often. As a Sith, it was a daily occurrence."

"And now?"

"Rarely." It was more feeling worthless or inadequate or overwhelmed.

"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling your anger?"

He barely stopped himself from snorting. "Yes." He still blamed the dark side and his dependence on it for a lot of that though.

"During how many periods of your life?"

"All of them."

She blinked. "You do a pretty remarkable job at controlling it, then."

"I learned what happens when I don't the hard way."

She swallowed. "Right." Then she looked back at her data pad. "Difficulty trusting that is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people's intentions?"

He wanted to snort again. There were very few people he'd ever trusted. Even now, he always looked at underlying motives.

"Yes, during all periods."

"What about feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from yourself, seeing yourself from outside your body, or feelings of unreality."

He thought about that, trying his best to quickly go over anything in his memory. The only time he really remembered feeling that was during the 'Zone of self-containment' episode. And Mortis. But everything about Mortis felt strange.

"No, not particularly."

She put the pad down on her lap and looked at him softly. "Thank you, Anakin. I know that answering those questions may not have been easy."

Well, he had been through worse... but she was right; that didn't make it easy, no. He felt bare, naked and vulnerable, like a live wire, exposed and raw. He'd deal with it, but it wasn't a pleasant feeling.

"With what we've discussed here today and over the last several months, I think we can rather safely conclude that you have what is known as 'Emotional Regulation Disorder'*. It's more or less exactly what it says it is with the inability to or extreme difficulty regarding regulating emotions. It has many risk factors, including family history – although I doubt this comes from your mother – brain factors including certain imbalances or even physical damage to the brain, and lastly, environmental, cultural and social factors."

"You suspect the latter for me."

"Well," she responded slowly, "there could be several factors of which we have little or no knowledge of, but... yes. I believe your ERD is, if not caused, at least exacerbated by untreated PTSD."

He frowned. "I do not have PTSD."

She blinked at his reluctance. "Anakin, people with PTSD simply witnessed something shocking, scary or dangerous."

"I doubt there isn't a person alive who won't come across such in their lives. It cannot be that common."

"Well," she started slowly, "not every traumatized person develops a version of PTSD, and not everyone with PTSD has been through a dangerous event. Some experiences, like the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one, can also cause it. Or the separation of a family?"

Anakin's eyes widened. "You're suggesting that the event of leaving my mother exacerbated or caused my condition?"

He lips thinned, but he got the distinct impression that she wasn't upset at him. "Well, you grew up on a dangerous planet as a slave. I don't think that was the only factor, but I do think it was a major one. Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you weren't extremely upset, shocked or scared by what happened?"

Well, no. Not in truth. He still didn't answer, feeling stubborn all of a sudden...

Which, now that he thought about it, kind of fit all of the symptoms she'd just discussed with him.

Oh, Force... was he really that weak?

Almost as if reading his mind (not possible with his current shields), she spoke. "Anakin, I want you to know that having PTSD doesn't make you weak. It just means that you came across something you found difficult to process, and no one helped you through it."

Well... that did fit what he remembered.

She must have taken his lack of answer as answer enough, because she continued. "And even if we put that aside, it's rare for a war-veteran who saw action to not have at least some symptoms of PTSD. Was any of that ever addressed or treated?"

They hadn't really had the time, and then...

"You haven't even told me – or to my knowledge anyone – what happened to push you into turning. I doubt that was anything dismissive or minor."

"Very well, you've made your point," he muttered, words clipped.

"I'd like you to stop seeing this as a weakness, but again, I don't expect you to simply change your feelings suddenly. We'll work on it.

"Fortunately, whether we count it as PTSD or ERD, you're doing everything right for the condition."

Anakin blinked at that unexpected news. "What?"

Master Xio smiled. "Well, psychotherapy and mind-healing tends to be the best treatment. It's not always caused by a physical imbalance and thus isn't often treated by medication. We could get you started on some anti-depressants, but I don't think that would be the best treatment for you, not with how you've been responding to therapy and cognitive restructuring."

"Cognitive restructuring?" he asked, a little uneasy at the term.

"Basically helping you understand why something happened, why you reacted as you did – more or less defining consciously what you've only known subconsciously up until now – or putting the events into a healthy perspective."

He relaxed a little. "Oh."

She stopped and studied him for several seconds before a small smile crossed her lips. "I think we've done enough for today. Wouldn't you agree?"

Force, yes!

"Well, I plan on passing on today's findings and discussion to Healer Girth, if that's alright with you."

Anakin nodded, feeling too tired to actually say anything. He wondered why these sessions seemed to take so much energy when all they were doing was sitting around, talking.

"You look exhausted. Why don't we skip D-40 today and you can just head right to end-meal and then to your quarters."

That sounded wonderful.

He stood and bowed. "Thank you, Master Xio."

Her smile grew. "Anytime, Anakin. And I mean that; any time."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *They are considering renaming 'Borderline Personality Disorder", and "Emotional Regulation Disorder" seems to be the most popular choice if they do. I liked it as well, so that's what I'm calling it here. You can look up information on the NIMH website about PTSD and Borderline Personality Disorder if the symptoms above look familiar in either yourself or someone you know. Just remember, only a licensed professional can diagnose BPD (or ERD as it may be called in the future) or PTSD!
> 
> Alright, so I finally got this up! I'm kind of annoyed that I couldn't seem to get this right before posting Oversight, but it was honestly writing that story that helped me to get this done. :)


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